The thing about making my bed in the morning is that it makes me less likely to nap later, because who wants to make their bed twice in one day? Well, actually, I didn’t make my bed until about 3:30 in the afternoon, because currently I’m in the East Coast time zone but living on West Coast time. Somehow, I have thrown my daily pattern way off. For the moment, it’s working just fine, because it’s staying relatively the same. The problem is that it needs to be different. Tonight, I must go to bed by midnight. It is usually these posts that keep me up, but it is usually editing photos or watching a movie that pushes back the writing of these posts. And so, I am beginning this one earlier in the day, which does not mean it will end earlier in the day, but that is the hope.
Today is Sunday, but I did not go to church. I am on a church hiatus for a little while. Going to church here in Kentucky has been exhausting.10:30pm
Being Evangelical Quaker in the Northwest, I never had to search for a church. When I came to college, I had four different options available in town of Friends churches alone, not including the numerous other churches there. Tale has it that Newberg was once in the Guinness book of world records for most churches per capita. A strange fact for a Northwest town. Needless to say, I simply chose the church I chose, because it was the closest Quaker church in walking distance. Kentucky, however, has no such churches, and finding a church that welcomes me as home has proven to be a seemingly impossible task. And incredibly taxing. Walking into new church after new church after new church, or even the same church a few Sundays in a row has become so stressful that it feels akin to holding one’s breath. I long to find authenticity, and what I find instead is sameness, like The Giver—our churches do not want to live in the midst of color and chaos, instead opting out for safety and sameness. So with the beginning of summer vacation, I have chosen to breathe instead. I do not get in anybody’s car and drive. I do not rush to eat breakfast. I do not put make-up on. I do put on nice clothes. I don’t even brush my teeth in a timely fashion. I simply breathe. And it makes me feel much less tense.
Today, I woke up unsure. I was unsure of how I felt, and unsure of how the day would progress. I had no plan, and I was at a loss. I was productive in some ways today. I finally cleaned the bathroom, a big feat. And I transferred the rack and water bottle holder from my bike to Marilyn’s bike for its use this week, a project that took more effort than I’d thought it would as the screws and bolts had not been touched since they’d been put on my bike in college. And yet, I feel unproductive. I feel as if it just wasn’t good enough, and I don’t know why, because it’s all I’ve got to give.
It’s time for me to go to bed, finally significantly earlier than the last week’s worth of nights, and I think it would be good to have a plan tomorrow, even if only just one thing planned. But I don’t know what to plan. I feel stuck. And so, I will just go to bed, and that will be that. I guess.
No comments:
Post a Comment